What a Waste !


                                                                      As a parent there is no other word that can fix a problem quicker that SORRY . I'm sorry dad , I'm sorry mam , it tends to have the magical formula for defusing sometimes really  awkward and uncomfortable situations . It can sometimes bring back to the table a chance of mediation or recovery . But what makes the word sorry absolutely worthless , is the inability of its importance to influence a family when maybe there is no chance of recovery .  There is no chance of trying mediation, because either things have gone on too long , or the will is simply just not there . And if that happens to be the case , then mediation even with the most experienced mediators is simply going to be like pissin in the wind .
                                                                      When people adapt that stance its nearly impossible to change how they feel , or how and if they want to resolve an issue . The only thing about that sort of stance , is that it makes trying to resolve something more difficult the longer it goes on . I know that myself from experience . and to be honest that was my choice . But if I had the time to go back and maybe do things differently , and had a chance at changing certain things , now that I am a little older, I think I might just take that opportunity . Too many things have been lost as a result of certain things that could have been dealt with differently . Things that you can't get back due to someone dying , and forever wondering in your head what if I had done things differently . But alas this will never come to pass simply because of personal differences . Someone blaming somebody else , disruption to plans that had been put in place . All of the stupid , stupid , things that were said and done , but were never properly redressed . And for this I feel I have let myself down , I simply know in my heart I could maybe have tried a little bit harder .
                                                                      People always concentrate on themselves and how they have been dealt such a bad hand in life . I did , and where did it get me ? It got me to such a stage in my life that the hate and anger I felt was so all consuming that it effected not just me , but everybody around me .They didn't deserve that ,. But as I went through all of my anguish and pain , they did too .
                                                                     I have never really apologized for my actions in not dealing with something that was like a monster in my head . I was so caught up in why it was happening to me, that I completely forgot about how things were effecting those that are and always will be the closest to me .
                                                                    Looking back , the anxiety that I inadvertently passed on to them , was never passed intentionally . But it did happen . And it is only as I get older that I now realize the hours , days , weeks and years I have wasted trying to make sense of what happened , are gone now , never to be gotten back . What a fu..... waste . Years of loss , years of anguish .
                                                                    But , and there will always be a but , here I am , not the same person I was back then . BUT a more understanding (I hope )person than I used to be . A more acceptable person of human imperfections and limitations than I have ever been . These are the things that gave me hope . These are the things that saved me really . I offer no explanations for who I am or who I have been , only to say that while I tried to point you in the right direction , I never intended for my anxiety and sadness , to be your anxiety and sadness . Unfortunately it seems that maybe that is exactly what has happened , and for this I truly apologize !
                                   Hugs and Kisses as Always XOXOXOX   
No need to examine or analyze me , I am Well Beyond That !

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